The “trailing spouse,” the one presumable dragged along by their working partner into an expat life, is a moniker that conjures up a number of stereotypes, almost none of them good. As Jackie Wilson has happily discovered, being a trailer actually has quite a few advantages.

On a sunny UK Friday afternoon in August 2012, my husband rang me at work to tell me he’d been offered a promotion and assignment to Malaysia by his employer, a major multinational well-known for its toothpaste brand, but added hastily that he didn’t have to take it. I laughed out loud, “Of course you’re not going to take it, you crazy toothpaste salesman, we live in England! You think your 20-minute commute is bad!” Later that day, as luck would have it, a pregnancy test revealed the early makings of our second child. This sparked an even more spirited discussion of the “shall we go to Malaysia?” decision-making process. Having already served a year’s maternity leave in the dreary British winter, the prospect of the warmer and more exotic was, I admit, rather enticing. Indeed, after enjoying a few daydreams of myself strolling along a beach with my new baby and a tan, I progressed rapidly to the “we should probably actually do this” phase! A few months later, three Wilsons (one with a considerable bump, mind you) arrived at KLIA, with the contents of our house in a container six weeks behind us.

See Also: Moving to Malaysia

And now here we are, one year on. My husband has sold lots of toothpaste and I’ve been what is somewhat controversially called a “trailing spouse”, a term which actually makes me sound like matrimonial luggage. The truth of it however, is that trailing is not as subservient as it sounds. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The “leading” spouse (or dragging, perhaps) ends up doing the same job as before, just somewhere different. Trailing, though, is a whole different ballgame and brings with it a process of self-development that I’d say not only equals that of the dragger, but may surpass it on some levels, and here’s why:

The key thing about trailing is that it comes with no induction or schedule. Having spent over 15 years in the business world, I can imagine my husband’s first week at work in Malaysia. It would have no doubt included a programme of meetings with a variety of eager people ever willing to explain how the next two years of his life was going to pan out. There would be an IT department ready to connect him to all necessary networks. There would be places to go for lunch with people to explain the menu and there would be a nice clear set of objectives waiting to be hit.

That same week for me was somewhat different. There I was in temporary accommodation with three suitcases of mostly winter clothes, a Wi-Fi code, a breakfast that inexplicably included curry, and only the vaguest objective set before me, which was basically to exist as happily as possible during this transitory time. So, after 15 minutes of pacing the lounge trying not to cry, 15 minutes of trying to find any UK friend on Facebook (and finding them all asleep or drunk), and 45 minutes of entertaining my toddler Holly by playing Barney on YouTube, I was forced to take some action.

This action started with a very random Google search and ended with a playdate with the co-ordinator of a nearby toddler group. Within weeks I’d assembled an agenda of fun for Holly that filled practically every morning, I’d learnt where and how to shop, I’d found the doctor who would deliver my new baby, I’d started a blog, written for a magazine, and spent the remaining time in a swimming pool. (Winter in the tropics… rough!)

Within months – three to be precise – I’d increased my family size by 33% (10 days before deadline, too!), and subsequently learned how to manoeuvre two minihumans around an unfamiliar city in tropical heat. Now, a year on, I’ve grown my baby by 300% and taught him to eat toast and mashed banana. I’ve trained my toddler to use a toilet, swim, and count to 29. (She even sings nursery rhymes in Bahasa, but I take no credit for that.) I’ve developed the skills of driving in the face of sheer and utter adversity and learned to deal with bad customer service with a smile and a lah. I’ve written nearly 60 blog entries, have written columns for two magazines, and have even started a novel. A year after arriving in Malaysia, I’m a very different girl now from the one back home; that girl who started her life in Malaysia pacing the lounge to the sound of a purple dinosaur.

And that’s the thing about us trailers. We are nothing if not self-starters. I’m surrounded by trailing spouses who, in “real life” are photographers, singers, teachers, businesswomen, entrepreneurs, coaches, charity workers, bakers, cake decorators, event organisers, writers, and on top of all that, good mothers and great friends. But then, even if a trailer decides to just exist, they are still doing so in a different land, far away from family and friends and everything familiar and safe. You can call that trailing if you like, but I’d rather just call it guts.

Source: The Expat Magazine April 2014 2014

Read more:

• 8 Tips on Moving to Malaysia from an Expat Mom
• Expat Life, Striking the Balance as an Expat in Malaysia
• Proud to be an Expat Kid

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