In the American English vernacular, “give and take” is usually a reference to compromise. I was thinking the other day, however, that this concept is really the key to good living. In the world, there are always going to be givers and takers, and while most of us have probably been conditioned to think that giving is good, while taking is bad, I don’t think that’s really true. After all, you can’t have one without the other: no one can give unless someone is there to take. So perhaps the secret isn’t to be one or the other, but rather to strike a healthy balance. In every aspect of life – your job, your family, relationships, friendships, your interaction with the community – ask yourself, “Am I more of a giver or a taker? Can there be a better balance between the two?”

Reflecting on this, it also occurred to me that there really is no grey area. You’re either giving or taking. So even though something may seem neutral, the greater likelihood is, if you’re not actively giving, you’re probably passively taking.

For example, my father wasn’t around as much as I would have liked when I was young, an all-too-common theme in innumerable families, and though it might seem as though the man of the house simply isn’t actively giving, the truth is, he’s passively taking. These men enjoy “taking” the stability, the social stature, the available comfort and companionship of having a wife and children, but they don’t balance that by giving of their time and presence.

One of my own personal shortcomings – and it’s been this way since adolescence – is that I seldom initiate contact with my friends. Back then, I wouldn’t just call them indiscriminately, somehow rationalising this in my teenage brain by thinking that if they wanted to talk to me, they would call me. (Obviously, that arrangement is going to present a serious problem if you have two friends of a similar mindset!) I had set myself up as much more of a taker, rather than striving for a give/take balance. I’m still working on this, though more so with text messages than phone calls these days, it seems. Fortunately, I’ve had some good friends throughout my life whose own balance sheets are tilted more to the “give” column of initiating the call or message, which complements my poor, albeit reciprocal balance. It shouldn’t be that way, though. In the healthiest of friendships, those give/take balances should both align pretty closely.

Another potential shortcoming – though one that admittedly mostly manifests itself as a strength – is my extreme independence. I never want to allow anyone to do much of anything for me. However, I love taking care of others; I enjoy doing things for people, yet it’s tough for me to accept that same help and care from others. I got called on this many years ago, and in a way that really made me stop and take notice. “Do you know that good feeling you get when you do something to help another person?” I was asked. I said that I did. “Well,” came the follow-up remark, “by not letting other people do things for you sometimes, you’re denying them that same good feeling. It’s a bit selfish.” A harsh, but very true statement. So even being a giver isn’t always ideal. You must have balance, and know when to take. Thanks for the lesson, Mom.

Work is a bit easier, at least for me. Give a prescribed bit of your time and talent, take an agreed-upon compensation. It’s pretty clear-cut in my mind, but for many people, this one is very problematic, and a strong imbalance here often affects other key areas in life. Whether you’re an employer or an employee, the give/take relationship is the most productive and rewarding when balanced. I’ve talked to foreign workers here who are obscenely tilted towards the give side – they work 14- to 16-hour days with minimal break time, have their passports held by their employers, get one day off a week, and in return, take a miserly paycheque, often less than RM50 per day. And as obviously bad as that is for the workers, it’s ultimately not good for the take-tilted employers, either. Turnover is high, job satisfaction is low. Let’s face it: workers who are pushed to the point of exhaustion and then barely paid for it are never going to be loyal, they’re never going to provide customers with great service, and it’s a PR disaster if it ever gets out just how poorly treated and paid these workers are. Nobody wins in this scenario because the give/take balance is so horribly lopsided. Of course, those employees whose equations are badly skewed towards the take side are – sooner or later – usually ferreted out and dismissed.

Giving and taking. Think about the people you know who are happy much of the time. Think about the successful people you know. More often than not, when put to even a cursory analysis, you’ll find that balance is the key to it all. They give, but they also take.

I guess Elton John had it right all along with The Lion King’s “Circle of Life”:

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

Admit it, you’re singing the chorus in your head now, aren’t you? Have a great month, and don’t forget to balance your own give/take ledger!

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Source: The Expat magazine October 2015