The Expat Group has done frequent surveys since the late 1990’s and we ask many diverse questions of our readers. The most popular survey is the top ten list of expat’s likes and dislikes living here in Malaysia. But I’ve yet to see my top dislike ever listed and I think many of you may also feel the same way. So let me articulate it here.

The thing I dislike the most is meeting and forming a genuine friendship with another expat only to have them move on years later; all the while nurturing and enjoying the friendship until it becomes an integral part of my life. Over the years I’ve had many expat relationships with nationals from over a dozen countries and lots of business associates who have come and gone. Sometimes if the friend is a local Malaysian they have even returned during my 13 years here which is always so wonderful, however expats rarely come back. But there is a distinct difference with a relationship and a true friendship. Friendships are much rarer especially for those of us who work full time. Our time is almost exclusively devoted to professional matters and issues. I find that being a single woman here, one with a work permit and one whose children have grown to adulthood and left to start living their own lives and careers, that the issue of friends is even more vitally important.

I’ve been very fortunate to have had one friendship in particular that started 9 years ago when an English expat who had just arrived happened to read my one of my columns where I wrote about a cat and its bizarre but loveable antics I used to have when my kids were young. She wrote to me sharing her bizarre cat stories, then called me and after a few months we met in person. Nine years older and with an almost totally different background and upbringing than mine, we clicked and clicked hard.

It wasn’t just our love for animals that bound us but our finding we complemented each other in deeply significant ways. I realised a few years into it that it was akin to having an older sister, something I’d always wanted being I was the oldest of ten.

Her husband was employed here and she kept busy doing all kinds of things I never had time for and would regale me every evening about during our nightly phone call. Her husband got to share her on one of the weekend days and I got her the other. She’d come pick me up and off we’d go, babbling so fast together and I have been told (by my embarrassed son) our pitch, getting louder and louder. We’d hit a coffee shop or outside cafe first and inhale unneeded caffeine drinks which would just set us off even more. We’d “visit” and gossip and comment on the people passing us by all the while feeling connected to each other in the way of a true friendship…taking a deep comfort in the knowledge we had each other no matter how weird or odd the week before had been.

During this time her daughter left for university overseas and then my daughter left. Who else to share with besides another empty-nesting mom?

A few months ago, her husband retired and they left Malaysia. Bereft is a good word for how I still feel even though we email each other daily. I knew the time would eventually come for either her or me leaving but when it happened, it was very tough. I’ve had to consciously let my social guards down to allow new potential friends into my life because I know they are out there. Many of you have this type of friendship with a local person and I also have close local friends but for me somehow it isn’t the same. Another expat has unique outlooks and unique experiences that give that them an extra dimension; they bring a bit of home with them and I know that assuages my feelings of homesickness at times.

I feel her absence most keenly when something too odd or “Malaysian” happens to me. Like a few weeks ago when my long-time maid informed me that several dozen taxi drivers in this area talk about my “beer drinking” problem. Evidently this is a hot topic that has been discussed and relished for many years. She said that when they help her load the taxi boot with my groceries, they make inquisitive and pointed remarks about the cans I buy. The cans of soda water that to them look like beer cans. And they marvel at how I, such a petite woman, consume 48 cans of this beer every week and still go off to the office daily. I asked her WHY didn’t she ever tell me this before? “Why, ma’am? Do you care?” Well, yes, I guess I do. Now I understand the consternation and looks they would give me or the comments that wasn’t I rather late to the office today or how did I feel.

You see, my dear friend would have said just the right thing, and then bellowed her head off laughing about it for weeks while we chewed over it. And I miss that. A lot.

Source: The Expat magazine December 2010, article by Marybeth Ramey
Get your free subscription and free delivery of The Expat magazine
This article has been edited for ExpatGoMalaysia.com